Baby Penguin Antics
by thisoldporcelaincoffeeshop
Summary: Brittany says sex is when a boy puts his unicorn horn into a girl's black hole, and magical sprinkles and invisible frosting come out of the boy, and one sprinkle attached to a girl's star. Kurt really doesn't want to fail his Sex Ed test and become the laughing stalk of the school. He consults fellow glee clubbers and Warblers for assistance. Awkwardity, dumb teens. Klaine. Niff.


**Author's Note: I really, really, _really_ can not believe I just wrote this. **

**Baby penguin, Kurt!**

**Set around Night Of Neglect-ish...maybe? Kurt and Blaine have been dating for a comfortable amount of time, and it is after the episode Sexy. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Glee**

**tumblr: porcelain-penguins**

* * *

"Blaine. Really, I need help studying. I am going to fail this." Kurt said sternly, a full bitch glare in mode at the curly haired, blazer-clad, dashingly handsome, giggling boy on his bed. In any other circumstance, Kurt would have felt overrun with fluttery thoughts of love for this boy, and how their sides are literally pressed together. But now, Kurt was flushed and angry, and Blaine found it amusing. "It was a simple question, Blaine. I need to know what how long a woman is fertilized for! Or I'm going to fail!" Kurt huffed.

This just caused Blaine to break out into a fit of laughter again, practically doubling over on Kurt's bed. "Well, a growing woman needs lots of care. First, they need water, soil, sunlight-"

"BLAINE. This is no time for humor!" Kurt shouted, his face a deep crimson red, and his want to crawl in a hole and stay there forever was growing rapidly by the minute.

"Sorry, Kurt. It's just the way you worded the question. "How long is a woman fertilized for?" Kurt, I think you mean how long a woman is fertile for." Blaine said, managing to contain his laughter.

"I give up!" Kurt seethed, throwing his hands up in defeat. "I'm going to fail this test, and get my name written up on the board. I'm going to be a laughing stalk at a school that doesn't promote bullying!" Kurt shouted, tears beginning to pour from his eyes.

Blaine halted his giggles as soon as he heard the pain in Kurt's voice. _The board._ Blaine thought mentally. _The big white board placed conspicuously in the front of the mess hall, which said in big bold letters, "THOSE WHO FAILED THE SEX TEST…" and following it, the names of those students for all to see. Blaine hated that board, and hated Mr. Mimson for even putting it there. It wasn't meant to embarrass those who failed, he thought it would cause people to reach out and help those students. Blaine understood._

"I'm sorry, Kurt. You're right. I shouldn't be laughing at you, you are clearly struggling." Blaine said sympathetically, placing a comforting hand on the small of Kurt's back and rubbing soothing circles.

"I just, I don't understand why I need to know this stuff. This dumb 'Marriage and Planning' class that we are all required to take is stupid. It's just innuendo for Sex Ed, and a crummy one at that. And it only teaches stuff for heterosexual boys. Why the hell are we even in that class? Why should I care when woman are fertile? Or different ways of birth control methods? Or how to carry a "man's" weight in a marriage? I thought Dalton didn't even have a Sex Ed class in the first place!" Kurt jabbered with overdramatic hand gestures, focusing his stare towards the wall.

"Kurt, I know. Most of this stuff is useless to us, but it's good to know. But it's required, and we can suffer through countless menstruation videos and birth control videos together. And this isn't Sex Ed, Kurt. It's 'Marriage and Planning' class." Blaine smiled, lightening the atmosphere. "And if you want, my offer is still open to talk about sex for two boys." Blaine said oh-so-dapperly.

Kurt cringed at the offer, reminding him of the awkward talk between his father and the even more awkward pamphlets. His eyes darted to the drawer in his side table, where the dreaded pamphlets lie within, under countless Vogue's and IKEA catalogues. And then it reminded him of the 'Animal' incident, which he'd much rather push behind him. He simply wanted his baby penguin antics to end, but Blaine's nonchalance on the topic _really_ wasn't helping. "No. But thank, you, Blaine. I just, I need to focus on studying for this test. I'd much rather like to keep my I'm-better-than-you repertoire at Dalton. I don't really feel like being pushed out of yet another school." Kurt added.

"Oh, Kurt. It's so you to make light on such a heavy topic." Blaine smiled, snuggling in closer to Kurt's side, allowing Kurt to rest a weary head on his shoulder. "And I must just have the perfect idea for you to ace that test! Come with me!" Blaine said giddily, pulling Kurt out of the bed, papers clattering everywhere and textbooks being strewn.

_Uh-oh._ Kurt thought. _This can't be good._

* * *

"Blaine Everett Warbler Anderson! I _cannot _believe you would do this to me!" Kurt shouted, a faint blush creeping up his neck as he squirmed in his seat, sandwiched between Nick and Jeff.

"Come on, Kurt! Who's better to teach you about sex than a room of hormonal teenage boys themselves?" Blaine chirped from across the room where he was sitting cross legged between Trent and David, a wide grin across his face. He looked _way_ too excited for this.

"So, your first question, Mr. Kurt Hummel?" Nick smiled, nudging a shoulder into Kurt.

"I hate you all." Kurt said between gritted teeth.

"Hey, do you want to pass the sex test or have your name on that board for all to see? What'll it be, Kurtie Pie?" Jeff teased, bopping the pad of his finger on Kurt's nose.

"_Fuck you all."_ Kurt mumbled between his teeth.

"What was that, Kurtie? You want to know how to…_fuck? _Damn, okay." Jeff smiled, loving watching Kurt squirm with even the slightest mention of something sexual.

"Hey, be cautious, Jeff. Don't underestimate him, he will physically harm you." Blaine warned. "Just sayin'."

"I hope you know, if anything, this is going to make everything worse." Kurt barked, his blood practically boiling. "Tell me again why you all seated me by Nick and Jeff of all people?"

"Because we love you, Kurt!" Nick chimed in.

"Oh God…" Kurt sighed, dropping his head into his palm.

"That's what she said." Jeff snickered, Nick giving him a high-five.

"So, Kurt, what do you need to know?" Wes barged in from where he was perched by the committee desk, leaning back in his chair, gavel in hand, looking like he was fully enjoying this showdown.

"I just need to know the basics, nothing intricate." Kurt blushed furiously.

"Okay. Well, Kurt. First the sperm meets the egg within the fallopian tube. It is then fertilized and becomes a zygote-" Wes began to lecture.

"I know this all from the Animal Development unit in biology already. I need to know the erm, parts." Kurt said, flushing a crimson red and staring avidly towards his fidgety hands that were on his lap.

"Aw, look, Kurt is getting all flustered. I wonder what he looks like when Blaine gets him all hot and bothered." Nick foretold, his filter clearly wiped away like his best friend Jeff's.

"What?" Blaine blushed from across the room.

"Oh come on, I'm sure we all have wondered how Kurt is behind closed doors, if you know what I mean." Jeff rolled his eyes.

"Sometimes it's not even behind closed doors. I caught them making out in the choir room a couple of days ago." Trent added.

"And I always catch them making out in Kurt and I's room." Flint inputted.

"And the courtyard…"

"And between classes, in the halls…"

"In class when no one is looking…"

"During Warbler meetings when no one is looking…"

"In Blaine's living room…"

Everyone in the room, minus Nick, Jeff, Kurt and Blaine began shouting out countless places where they have caught the sugary sweet duo making out. Kurt and Blaine did their best to ignore everyone, both boys staring intently at their hands, their faces scurging crimson. They felt their pants tightening, and _gosh_ Blaine regretted this. Nick and Jeff on the other hand, were sitting wide eyed, mouth gaping and in awe at all the comments.

"Are you kidding me? Are we the only two who has never seen Kurt and Blaine make out? That's so not fair!" Jeff pouted.

"Why the hell would you want too, anyways, Jeff!" Kurt shouted, glaring at the blonde haired boy.

"It'd be totally hot. And I'm just curious, is all. You two," Jeff began to say with a serious face, pointing back and forth at both boys. "Make out, now."

"No!" Both Kurt and Blaine said in unison, causing them to blush harder, if that was even possible.

"Nick, Jeff, I am seriously doubting your heterosexuality right now. Are you _sure_ you two are just platonic?" Kurt sassed as the circled Warbler's finally managed to quiet down at the brazenness of Kurt's question.

"That is none of your business, Kurt." Nick retorted.

"Yeah. Now I thought we came here to talk about sex. Vaginas, or some stuff like that. Yeah. Vaginas, they are awesome." Jeff coughed awkwardly.

"Yeah, I love them too." Nick responded also as awkwardly, his cheeks tinging a light pink.

"No, I think I'm just going to um,…take Kurt back to his dorm and study. You guys aren't helping." Blaine glared towards the two boys who were squishing his boyfriend.

"Are you _sure_ that's what you two are going to do? Because it looks like Blaine wants a little more." Jeff snickered, his gaze sweeping across Blaine's pants, and then Kurt's. "Woah, there! Looks like Kurt does, too! Let's follow them, Nick! It's our only hope at seeing them ravish each other!"

"OHMYGOD. You guys are _no_ help! I am leaving!" Kurt miffed, managing to pull himself out of the space between the two annoying boys and walk over to where Blaine was standing by the majestic mahogany doors.

"Wait, Kurt! I did _not_ yet call this impromptu Warbler meeting to an end, yet! You can't just leave!" Wes whined.

Kurt then practically began to spew smoke out of his ears, some may claim that he actually did, as he marched over to the committee desk. He bent over and was within kissing distance of Wes, who looked terrified and regretting his last statement. Kurt stared at him as evilly as he could, though he was getting dizzy from being unfocused, Wes' eyes looking like they blended together as one. Without moving out of Wes' peripheral vision he trailed his hand down to Wes', that was holding the gavel and _ripped_ it straight out of Wes' grasp. Kurt then slammed it down on the table. "Let this meeting be adjourned." Pivoted around, and strutted out of the room, grabbing Blaine's hand and leading him out as well. He let his hips sway a little more than usual, letting everyone in the room know that _yes_, maybe him and Blaine were going to go make out for a while_, but_ he was still mad as hell.

Oh well, he had his tongue pressed firmly down Blaine's throat now, and _good luck Warblers, _because revenge is a bitch.

* * *

"So, you're asking me to help _you_ with _sex?"_ Mercedes said, exasperated.

"Yes." Kurt sighed.

"Okay." Mercedes responded simply. "Well, cucumbers can get you pregnant. So watch out. Woman should _always_ take birth control pills before eating them. That's why a lot of teens get pregnant, Kurt. It's not that their fooling around, it's all because of those damned cucumbers! I was lucky enough that they haven't impregnated me yet. But don't worry, I'm on birth control now, so I can eat all the cucumbers I want in my salad. Oh yeah, they can also give you aids! So you better watch yourself too, Kurt." Mercedes said in a mouthful over the phone.

On the other line, Kurt simply gaped, his jaw nearly dropping to the floor. _What the hell?_

"Um, what? Are you being serious here, Cedes? Because I really need help with all this sex stuff and if you're lying to me…"

"No, I'm serious! Ms. Holiday told us!" Mercedes divulged.

"Oh-okay…" Kurt said wearily ,quirking an eyebrow. Though he couldn't really be the judge, _what the hell did he know about sex, anyway? _ "I think I have to go…but thanks for the help, Cedes. Really."

"Anytime, white boy! See you soon, hopefully!" Mercedes cheered, hanging up first.

Kurt sighed, letting the phone slide from where it was propped up beside his ear in between his shoulder, clunking to the ground. _At least I'm getting somewhere._ Kurt shook his head, rummaging through his dresser drawer and pulling out a spiral notebook and a cap-less pen. He froze as he uncovered the side of one of the many pamphlets his father gave him, the pamphlets he has yet to read. Maybe they could help, but Kurt wasn't ready yet to defile his innocence completely. He sighed again, writing down this newly found information.

_1.__Mercedes says cucumbers can get people pregnant. They can also give you AIDS. Make sure to be on a stable birth control pill before eating. #1 cause of teen pregnancy._

He flopped the spiral down on his bed after taking one last glance, and then proceeding to lean ove the side of his bed and retrieve his phone. He scrolled though his contacts, and hastily decided on the next person to call. The dial tone rung once, twice, three times…

"Kurt?" Puck mumbled. "Whattya callin' me for, bro? I was taking a nap."

"I need help with-wait, was that a girl's giggle I just heard?" Kurt questioned.

"Uh…maybe." Puck said, seeming more alive. Kurt could hear the rustle of bed sheets being pulled of, a girl protesting, and then a click of a door being closed. "What's it to ya'?"

"I need help with, with um, sex." Kurt revealed.

"Um, what?" Puck responded quickly.

"I have a test on…on the _science_ of sex. I need help." Kurt sighed.

"Oh, okay…well, the first thing to know is condoms are a definite _no_. They are a total buzzkill and just don't work, I think. I mean, I've never tried them, but so I've heard. And the two things that are key to getting a girl to sleep with you is booze and compliments. Then you're in their pants within a matter of minutes." Puck said incoherently.

"Alright…thanks, Puck." Kurt said wearily again. He wasn't so sure about all of this information he was learning.

"Welcome. But I kind of have to go, I have some things to do…" Puck coughed awkwardly.

"Of course." Kurt responded, waiting for this awkward call to come to an end. He heard Puck begin saying "Don't worry baby, the sex shark'sa comin'" He quickly pressed the end call button. He began to add to his notes.

_2. __Puck says condoms are useless. To have a baby, all you need is alcohol and to compliment her. Then, you're in._

Kurt glared meticulously at the last note, nothing seemed to be adding up. _Why did Sex Ed have to be so confusing?_

After about two merciless hours, Kurt had compiled a whole list of notes, all more mixed up than the last and nothing seemed to be adding up.

1._Mercedes says cucumbers can get people pregnant. They can also give you AIDS. Make sure to be on a stable birth control pill before eating. #1 cause of teen pregnancy._

_2. __Puck says condoms are useless. To have a baby, all you need is alcohol and to compliment her. Then, you're in._

_3. __Artie says that you can only transfer STD's through sex standing up, that's why he never got them from Brittany._

_4. __Quinn says: DON'T HAVE SEX. Children ruin your life._

_5. __Rachel says sex is an act that should be accompanied by a song, for it helps the sperm swim gracefully towards the egg._

_6. __Santana says sex should be done often, quickly and with no eye contact whatsoever._

_7. __Brittany says sex is when a boy puts his unicorn horn into a girl's black hole, and magical sprinkles and invisible frosting come out of the boy, and one sprinkle attached to a girl's star. Then, after a few months a baby turtle is born into a pool of water, where a factory of Leprechauns is working to create the body parts of the turtle, and eventually does. Our hearts are made of turtles, she says._

_8. __Mike says sex is like a beautiful, imperfectly perfect, unchoreographed dance number. Delicate and majestic._

_9. __Tina says sex should be very quiet._

_10. __Finn says boys can in fact get pregnant.(but wait, what does the unicorn horn enter then?) And to watch out because making out in a hot tub can get you pregnant. Beware._

_11. Ms. Pillsbury says to wait until I'm older._

_12. Sam says Jesus will help me along, don't worry._

_13. Lauren says before you have sex you need to buff up, or else you'll get crushed. ie: Puck is too scrawny for her taste._

_Hmm…with this list, I'm going to ace this test. Sure, some things don't add up. But I'll do with what I was given…_

* * *

"I failed…" Kurt mumbled, staring blankly down at his test, a huge, red circle F plastering the front. "I can't believe it, I studied so hard."

"It's okay, Kurt." Blaine comforted, rubbing circles in Kurt's back.

"My name is going to be on that board. Everyone is going to make fun of me." Kurt said, his voice monotone.

"I'm here, Kurt. I will help you through this." Blaine comforted, scooting in closer to Kurt on the bed.

"I took such good notes, Blaine. I called the whole glee club for research. I even called the guidance counselor!" Kurt mumbled, burying his head into Blaine's blazer-clad chest.

"Can I, can I see them, Kurt?" Blaine asked, genuine sympathy floating within his words.

"Yeah." Kurt sniffled, removing himself from Blaine and rummaging through his bag for the dreaded spiral. When found, he threw it towards Blaine. He didn't even want to glance at them.

And then Blaine did something Kurt would never expect Blaine to do in this situation. He grabbed Kurt by the wrist, and used his other hand to push Kurt down onto the bed. Blaine snaked on top of him, straddling Kurt's midsection and began kissing Kurt hungrily. They had gone as far as making out sitting down, but this was something completely new, something Kurt would have been used to having a long talk about before Blaine attempted it. Blaine slithered his tongue into Kurt's mouth, tracing the back of his teeth tenderly, Kurt slipping out a slight moan as their hips aligned perfectly.

"Kurt, all of that is complete rubbish. This, _this _is what sex is like." Blaine mumbled against Kurt's neck, as he started sucking on his column. "And I am going to teach you step by step, process by process, everything you need to know."

Kurt couldn't find the words to respond, not with Blaine pressing up against his chest, even despite two starchy, heavy blazers blocking them from even more friction. Kurt began kissing behind Blaine's ear lobe, experimentally.

"_Gosh,_ Kurt, you are no baby penguin."

* * *

**Author's Note: **

**Wow.**

**Okay.**

**Baby penguin antics.**

**Unicorn horns and black holes.**

**Sperm are sprinkles.**

**I am pretty sure that is all correct information, though.**

**Reviews, criticisms, complaints, suggestions, etc, always welcome!**

**Thank you!**


End file.
